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An update on the continuing crisis zone that is my life

September 13, 2010

Thanks to Raygan, my Once and Future Roommate, I was able to move all my worldly possessions (well, most of them) from my storage unit on 43rd and 11th to Washington Heights in one trip and without incident. On 9/11, no less! We were so efficient and had so much time and energy to spare that I decided to paint my room, since the departing tenant had left the ghostly pustule remains of sticky tack all over the wall. (The beige walls looked like they had some kind of pox.) We picked out a lovely blue that was neither too dark nor too nursery-y and went to work! So mighty and efficient were we that we had the entire room done in about two and a half hours.

Last night was my first night sleeping in the room. I inflated the aerobed that my aunt had so graciously lent me, fluffed the pillow that our New Roommate Emily let me borrow (I have always been dependent upon the kindness of strangers!) and stretched out my comforter, which I had had in storage in a zippered plastic bag.

In the wee small hours of the morning I woke up with a horrifying sensation, all the more terrifying for its familiarity: scratching. All up and down my arm, my leg, my foot, and my hand. Oh no, I thought, clutching my metaphorical pearls. Not again. I got up, turned the light on, gave my bed the once over, went out into the living room, interrupted Raygan by waving my clawed-up and bleeding arm in his face, had him tell me that they might just be mosquitoes, and went back into my room.

And that’s when I saw them. Bedbugs. Two of them, scampering merrily over my comforter as blithe as you please, probably full to their disgusting little gills with my blood. Calmly I stuffed the comforter back in its zippered prison and went back out into the living room, sitting down on the couch and only rocking back and forth a very little bit.

After he talked me out of setting the entire building on fire, thus ending the bedbugs cursed reign on my life for good I managed to get back to sleep, only waking up once or twice in the night, and mostly because i was cold as heck with the windows open. I woke up in the morning and gave myself the once over, glad to see that there were no new bites, until I looked in the mirror-

No, I’m not attempting to make sexyface or give you the stinkeye in that picture. The reason my eye is half- closed like I was on some kind of bender and ran into a wall is that a Bedbug. Bit. Me. In. The. Eye. More specifically on my eyelid, leaving me leering at everyone that comes across my path like some kind of lecherous pirate.

The rest of the day has been some kind of horrible, forced version of Cleaning All The Things. First I finished caulking all the baseboards in my closets, since during the last bedbug holocaust my ex-roommate apparently didn’t even bother looking in his closets to notice the staten island-sized holes therein, and then I caulked up some more baseboards in the main area, and then I just laid caulk in any hole I could find. (YES THAT IS A DIRTY JOKE. I’M SORRY.) After the caulk-fest (I’M STOPPING) I touched up the paint where the underlying white showed through. Then I bagged up all of the clothes that were in my open duffel and my sheets and my roommate’s pillow and everything fabric in an open box, and now I’m waiting on one of my other roommates to get back from the ATM so that I can go to the laundromat and run this stuff through the dryer. I’m hoping that there will be no horrifying creatures alive in these items after today.

After we get back from the laundromat and I clean the hallway my roommate and I are going to go get margaritas, because dammit, we deserve it. And I know this post isn’t very exciting, but seriously, young folks, next time you think “Hey, living in New York must be a totally glamorous and thrilling experience! If I move there, everything will be sunshine and roses and beautiful shoes!” think about my horrible mutilated face and THINK AGAIN. Look at where you are now, and if there aren’t vile vampiric insects living in your bedding, then that’s a plus.

This is how I feel right now:

image copyright allie brosh @ hyperbole and a half

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